I had covid the week before my 50th birthday, which means I got to say goodbye to my 40’s quarantined in our spare room/office as my fianceé slipped lovingly prepared meals through the door and I slept off my sickness. This is the second time I got COVID, the last time was nearly 2 years ago. I don’t know about you, but for me it has always brought with it a profound knowing of something I need to shift or pay attention to in life. I think it’s the resting…I seldom take time for reflection and rest at that level, and somehow, as I’m languishing, I start putting pieces together and letting other ones fall away.
The first time, I let my business go and stopped running (literally, not figuratively!). This time I submitted a grant for our 501(c)3, Mendocino County Safe Space Project, and came back into touch with my body while simultaneously realizing I’m truly non-binary.
Wait…whaaat?!
Did she, or wait, did they, just say non-binary?
WTF
Is this a post-Covid haze of some sort?
Yes, I said non-binary
No, it’s not a post Covid haze.
The pieces came flying together as I was proof-reading a powerful book my friend Lasara Firefox Allen has written, called Genderqueer Menopause (out in 2025). I elected to help because a) I love proofreading, b) I’m perimenopausal and c) I considered myself somewhere on the they/them spectrum, but had yet to fully embrace the significance of that.
But woah, when I did, I was floored. It felt like one of those movies where the cinematography starts speeding up, swirling around the room as bits and pieces fall into place, leaving the viewer with a totally different perspective than they had for the entire rest of the movie. All the pieces were there the whole time, but somehow went unnoticed until that telling moment when everything became available all at once.
I put myself on the they/them spectrum awhile ago because it seemed to make sense…I have long felt that I am pushing the boundaries of what it means to be female (we can lift heavy things! We can drive really well! We can be the primary breadwinners in a family!) and I have a lot of traits that don’t fall into traditional female, so it felt somehow freeing to have a pronoun that was outside the lines of binary. I don’t do well with binary choices, I always seem to want a tertiary or quaternary choice, no matter what.
But, as I read about all the things associated, or possibly associated, with genderqueer perimenopause, I began to see myself in a different light. It hit me hard, I actually began sobbing without really understanding why. My body was telling me something, but what was it? Oh. I’m genderqueer too. I’m non-binary.
What a freaking relief.
And here’s why it’s always made sense…I never didn’t accept being a girl, but the kind of girl I was was definitely not traditional. I was a tomboy, but I grew up on the North Coast of California where kids were wild, feral beasties, so that didn’t really check out as different…I have this walk, this extremely masculine walk, that isn’t intentional, it just is. As a teen I always feared people would think I was a lesbian (back in the 80’s and 90’s we often confused gender with sexuality…I felt masculine, and thought people would pick up on that and think I was gay…fast-forward yeah, I’m that too, but again, not to make a binary choice, I identify as pansexual) When my breasts started growing in I was so embarrassed. I didn’t bind, didn’t even know about binding, but I wore large, baggy shirts as much as possible and were aghast when people would comment on my body. Speaking of my body…ug. So much dysmorphia, particularly when I had PMS. I would want to scratch at my skin to let my soul escape. The body felt so…awful, so foreign and ugly and not at all feminine (which I know is weird because I do actually have a feminine body, but I didn’t feel it, my hips were too straight, my feet too ugly, my arms too strong). And there’s more…in my 20’s and 30’s I could not call myself a woman. It felt really weird, like it didn’t belong to me. I avoided it. After much work I learned to embrace it, learned to swallow that lump of 'ick' and accept woman as a moniker. I’ve always loved dresses, and still do, but it’s like playing dress up…I can't wait to take off my 'Girl Suit' at the end of the day. If you find my partner and I at home I'm the one lounging in sweatpants while my trans femme partner is in dresses. Digging a little more I learned that trans and non-binary individuals have higher rates of eating disorders and body dysmorphia and losing weight does not change their perception. Bingo, this is me too. I’m a recovering bulimic, which began when I was a teenager and lasted over a decade. I struggle, to this day, with accepting my body. Even though my mind knows there’s nothing wrong with it, it feels somehow…I don’t know…non-binary I guess.
So, once I had this realization something else shifted…and I was like, oh snap, maybe I can accept me, as I am. Maybe it’s ok that I walk like a gangster, that I don’t have a perfect hourglass figure and that I like to lift heavy things. Maybe that’s just me. And taking away the label of she/her/hers gave me the freedom to feel into the they/them/theirs and reclaim what is mine. That’s a whole other chapter, because as it’s happening I realize I have always had difficulty accepting my masculine side. It’s here, and it’s not going away, and there are things about it I LOVE, like confidence, and being physically strong, but there’s so much I have questions and shame around…I mean, I embrace the divine feminine. I love the qualities that are associated with it, and I believe the world needs more of these qualities. But here I am, kind of in-between and feeling a little insecure about embracing the masculine side, but at least now I have reason to embrace it, to look at it and accept it as part of me. I'm not 'bad at being a girl' (which I've always thought), I'm just not completely a girl. I’ve never felt fully at home in the feminine, and I've never really accepted my masculine. So...I get to learn me, as I am without hiding or masking. What a relief.
And you know what? I find non-binary people, no matter their gender assigned at birth, freaking hot, so if that's the category I am in then...well...I can certainly embrace that!
So here I go, on an unlearning and reclaiming journey that will, undoubtedly, bring me into wholeness. I’m excited to have arrived at this juncture. I am grateful to COVID for granting me this piece of the puzzle, grateful to Lasara for writing a book that allowed me to finally see myself for what I am, and grateful to my partner (and probably some of my friends!) who knew this all along...what a gift.
Oh, and I worked super hard at being feminine all my life, so I don't feel bad if you call me she, but I love it when I'm refered to as they...she/they/them works for me.
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